heyy guys its been a long time.. i havent lost my passion, just lost the words. i had a lot on the inside that i needed to deal with and at the time i wasnt really ready to see those things out onto paper if you know what i mean.
IM READY NOW.
i dont know what the purpose of this post is, i have no intention of delivering any messages today, giving any pointers, i just want to let it all out. let you guys know and understand the deepest darkest part of me that i rarely speak about. and also to let yall know about my salvation, what, well the people who motivated me, kept me sane. all in their own ways they played a part in why im here and alive to even blog. bare with me this will probably be an extremely long blog, but nothin like this should be shorted. a story like this needs to be told in its entirety. with that being said, i will attempt to stick to the important stuff lol. nobody likes a long drug out as story.
here it is.
THE GOOD…i moved to NC august 2011. met the girl of my dreams november 15, 2011, hung out with her for the first time on November 18, 2011 and from that day on we were inseparable. i know yall wonderin how the hell i know the exact dates, thats how HUGE of an impact she had on me from the first time we spoke. long story short we got together on december 1, 2012, moved in together january 2012. its important to say that we moved in together bc we basically had to, not because it was something we really wanted or thought over. i was the happiest i had ever been in my entire life with this girl. everything was good, i played husband she played wife, breakfast in bed in the morning for her, comin home to a beautiful woman w a hot meal for me. she did whatever i asked without a second thought and i did the same for her. massages, candle light dinners, walks on the beach, sex on the regular (yea i said it) lol. basically we were a family, which is everything i ever wanted. but we were young dumb and in love. we never had a chance to really be friends, our relationship progressed so fast i shouldve known it was bad from the jump. i started to see little things in her that i didnt like. i figured it was just something that happened when you moved in with someone. i shouldve followed my first mind.
THE BAD… as time went on, maybe about april 2012, we begin to argue about the stupidest shit. well lemme say she yelled at me and i just looked at her like she was stupid. we fought over the trash bein takin out, over shit like why i made her chicken for dinner when i should have KNOWN she wanted fish.. but eventually the arguments got more serious and i began to see her INSECURITIES, insecurities that i hadnt seen the first few months of bein together. it was a fight when i would have my big sis over, but it was supposed to be cool with me that she would have niggas from her past in OUR apt. i guess before we get to the UGLY it would be important to tell yall that unknown to me for the first like 7 months of our relationships, she grew up in an abusive home. her father was a police officer, her mother was a hard workin woman that had 2 jobs and 4 young kids by the time she was 23. my ex watched her mother get guns put in her mouth by her father, she watched her mother get beat ass naked by her father, she had seen her mother hide under neighbors cars from her father, it was bad, and you would think that growing up around all this abuse, she would have wanted to end the cycle…
THE UGLY… by may we had moved into our second apartment, and it seemed like all the bs we were goin through had just kind of faded away, we were happy again, talking things out instead of getting angry, makin time in our day to get out and do something together even if it was just takin a walk through the park. we wanted to make shit work. we tried, it was all we could do. on july 13, 2012 we got in an argument about me not wanting to go to wednesday night bible study bc i didnt feel well. later on that night she put her hands on me, not for the first time but maybe the second or third, and although I’m a female i swore i would never put my hands on any female i claimed i loved, out of respect and because i know once i start i cant stop. lemme just tell yall she probably put her hands on me three times total that day y the fourth time, all my shit was packed, the cops were called, and i was out of there. on july 14, 2012 i was in my 95 chevy lumina, trunk full w suitcases, garbage bags of shoes, my radio and anything else i could grab. i had left the love of my life in the street on her knees, screamin my name, bleeding from the slits in her wrists she had just cut in front of me, beggin for me to come back. i see that image in my mind almost everyday. it changed me…
OHHH IT GETS WORSE…before i could even touch down in California she was callin me telling me she had bought me a plane ticket to come back. sent me the confirmation email and all. she bought my ticket for august 1, 2012, i was home in California for less than a month. before i was on my way back to her to attempt to save the little bit of love that was still between us (despite my two best friends basically beggin me not to go) (&& and despite the tears i saw my dad shed as i said my goodbyes at the SF airport). i know it was dumb, but at the time i felt like this, if i tried, truly put forth an effort in giving her a second chance, then if she fucked up and it didnt work, it wasnt on me. i have to let yall know that she didnt ever put her hands back on me, we rarely argued, it seemed like she finally truly appreciated me and all i had done and given up for her. but on October 5, 2012, i was out the door, i knew it was over the moment i stepped onto that greyhound bus headed for petersburg, va.
MY SALVATION. there were a few major people (knowingly or unknowingly) involved in me leaving her, for good. they all had their own way of showing me why, and this, this will be the first and last time i ever drop names in my blog, and thats because i have to give credit where credit is due.
1. Chanel (my best friend) .. my anchor, my strength when i was weak, my voice of reason when my mind was goin in every direction. she was patient with me, she understood where i was comin from, she understood that i had to go back for me, to try. she wasnt angry with me she let me make my own decisions. she let me know that regardless of what i decided, even if i went back to nc and stayed that she would love me no matter what, and that although she didnt support my relationship, she was a big enough person to support ME, when i felt like there was absolutely no one else in my corner. you are my ride or die my right hand man, the only woman i know who has ALWAYS loved me unconditionally.
2. Amanda (my best friend) .. she is an important part of the reason im here because she took the complete opposite approach of chanel. she didnt support it at all, she wouldnt talk to me, would barely return my texts, definitely wouldnt return my calls. she gave me the TOUGH LOVE. and as much as i resented her approach i NEEDED it. it helped me see things clearly. i thought we would never speak again, but i realize she did it out of hurt, anger, and love. i love you amanda and thank you.
3. Netta (my what if) .. she was unknowingly a reason for me to get out of the relationship i was in. i made and continue to make my fair amount of mistakes when it comes to her. but regardless of what i had done or said before, she was willing to go out to dinner with me and chanel while i was home for those two weeks in july, and that said alot. just seein her face, knowin some of the stuff she had been through, made me realize that i could get out of what i was in. made me WANT to get out of whatever bs i was in.she didnt judge me for the relationship i was in, or for the fact that i was considering goin back. she is a fighter, and without knowing it, she made me fight. when i left nc to go to va i was still unsure if i was join to go home to cal or go back to nc, and as corny or cliche as it sounds, when i got to va and looked her in her eyes and FELT that love she had for me and realized the love i had for her, all my doubts went away. she made me laugh and smile. and truly feel happy, which was something i hadnt felt in a very long time, i could be myself with her, and for that i thank her sooo much.
4. CHRIS (my big sis) i swear this girl right here was my guardian angel in the midst of the storm i met her before i even knew my ex existed, and i know now, if i ever doubted it God places people in your life for a reason. when my ex would kick me out or i just needed to get away from the night, chris had my back and it was never a problem. i probably wouldnt have been able to make it out if the same city as my ex if it wouldnt have been for the $20 she gave me to put in my tank to get to my dad at the airport. i love you chris and we may not talk everyday since i moved but YOU are my angel i mean that. i love you bro.
last but certainly not least, God, i swear i thought i had a relationship with this man before all of this, i appreciate and understand so much more now that he brought me through that situation. He never brings you to it if He cant bring you through it. he opened my eyes so much and taught me to be thankful for the good, but especially for the bad because my bad made me who i am now, it made me stronger, helped me grow, helped me to realize my self worth, taught me that no matter how much i love someone or think someone loves me, ill never ever let anyone use me as a damn doormat, abuse me mentally, physically, emotionally or in any other form. i thank God for his deliverance, and his patience with me.
thanks for bearing with me yall.
stay up.
intheemiddle 